The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I intend to get homeless drunk
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
