I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
