yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
