Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
