I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
