So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
