dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
