It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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