Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
