Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
