How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
