Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize