I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
