I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
