I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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