it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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