The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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