I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
