i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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