Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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