Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
