Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
