I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
