Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
