woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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