I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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