Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
