Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
