hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
