And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
