Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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