if only i could text you this smell
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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