She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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