Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
