using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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