Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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