I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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