If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
