I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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