I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
