The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
