I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
