make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
