I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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