I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
