Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
