Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
