I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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