HIV tests are more positive than that guy
That's when you crack a 10am beer
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
