He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
