clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
