please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
