chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
