God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
