I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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