Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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