she woke up with a sticky ear
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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